Motherhood is one of my meditations
I gifted myself respite from the incessant demands of motherhood, and landed at my first Yoga Teacher Training when the kids were little. Little like “2 under 2”, the overwhelmed mother of “2 under 2” whispers to strangers who ask their ages, “2 under 2” she only feels, she only knows.
I never wanted to be a Yoga teacher. Yoga teachers were enlightened, and I was cruising close to daily crashouts, barely holding this version of delayed gen x-rated motherhood together with a master’s degree and recently deflated confidence.
I was convinced the only way I would keep up a guilt-free movement practice during early motherhood, was if my part-time gig required that I practice it 3-5 times weekly. I wasn’t wrong either. Well, I was partly wrong. There was still guilt, the overwhelmed mother of “2 under 2” knows there is always guilt lingering in most decisions that center self.
But this new part time gig did give me the ammo I needed to encourage my husband to rush and be home by 5pm on the dot, so I could make the 5:45 pm Yoga class “at least three times a week for work babe.”
The garage door would sound off and I would hurry with Ceci on my hip and Franklin’s excited spirit in tow. We would high five in the driveway after I handed Cecilia to him, with Franklin already recollecting stories of our day’s adventures.
20 minutes inside a quiet and calm moment? An additional requirement of the training. Just practice. The second weekend of the training started with all the single ladies (yes sing queen b for fun here) telling us the details of their homework meditations. There were cushions, incense, and quiet spaces, and spa-like scents, and just listening I felt like I was on the vacation I was overdue for.
Nearly 40 then, I had given up on appearances, and when it was my turn I stood up and shared that I had found my meditation in the meal prep of my family’s food. I had turned all my attention to the vibrant colors of the vegetables I cut up, in the textures I felt, and sounds that the cutting made, and the intention to nourish their bodies with my whole heart.
What started off as some nonsense I was grasping for to save me from flunking the only homework the training asked, became the truth. It was the truth. I spent about 7 more minutes waxing poetically to a room full of students who didn't seem to understand. I still didn’t understand, but what came next would transform those early days with my children.
Motherhood was one of my meditations. Motherhood is one of my meditations.
Now 7 years later, and countless classes, and mediations I have had the joy of leading, the beautiful women and mothers who have given me the honor of guiding them, I know Meditation is when we allow ourselves the opportunity to settle our minds, and calm our bodies. When we are one with the present moment like a love affair, so focused and so consumed.
What I have learned is that motherhood, how it challenges and overwhelms, can trigger, and for some it is the last place where one might go for resolve and/or comfort. Most women, just as I needed, run for respite as often as they can, because motherhood can hurt.
But when we can stay steady enough, for long enough, with practices like Yoga and Meditation, our ongoing mental health care and concern, the right type of support, Motherhood, composed of moments that beg our patience, slow us down, have us often on our knees, reveals itself as one of the most transformative Meditations we get to know.